Our Tiny Tribe is G R O W I N G !!!

I'll get to the pertinent info immediately because I know it's all you can think about right now!

IT'S A BOY!!

12 months old

Healthy, Handsome, Absolutely Gorgeous! 

Out of state

(We have not chosen a name yet, we cannot share his current name)

Here's the full story:

As always with this tiny tribe, the story is long with many twists and turns, so settle in if you want all the details! (Or scroll to the bottom to read about our next steps!)

We had been waiting since May 2015 to be matched. Being open to adoption out of foster care as well as domestic infant adoption, the possibilities were almost endless...and so were the potential match calls. Some weeks we'd get information on 4 cases, say yes to 3 cases, and for various reasons out of our control, none of the cases we were matched too. Then there was the failed match in January.

But God is good. So faithful. And His plan is always best. I don't say this lightly, like slapping on a smile and a bumper sticker. No, I say it from the depths of struggle and despair, and hope deferred, and would still shout it even if this post ended very differently. God is so good.

October 2015 || For the past 5 years I've been perusing adoptuskids.org. It's an online database of profiles of waiting children in the United States – with resources, articles, stats. SO much. Anyway...every once in while I check it out to see if any matches come up. I was up at midnight and searched, just to see. And this little sweet face with big brown eyes was staring at me. *swoon* He had my heart and I was in love. I just knew we were supposed to be together. I immediately completed an application and profile form...and at 3 am I submitted them! I began to pray for him daily, multiple times during the day. I prayed for his workers, his birth family, his foster family, and everyone who saw or touched his file. I prayed for the judges. I prayed.

The next day the social worker messaged me and asked for our home study. I did a dance in the dining room with praise hands all the way.

And we waited...and waited...and waited.

And prayed...

At the end of October his file was updated and put on hold – meaning they were done taking submissions and reviewing home studies. Pretty soon they would make a decision. We waited again. Any day now...

November || At the beginning of November I did another search on adoptuskids.org and found a sibling group of 2. So I submitted our profile for them as well. And heard back almost right away asking for our home study to be submitted for review. In two months we had two cases in the works. My prayer has been since that day that we wouldn't have to make a choice. I never wanted to get chosen for both cases and have to make the most impossible decision of my life. Nor did I want to get matched with a baby and be chosen for one of these cases. We committed to saying Yes when we could and prayed that God would figure out the rest.

In mid-November I got an email for the little boy's case worker saying she had been transferred to another office and new social worker would take over his case...she would start the whole process over. My instant reaction was “Of course!! Of course this would happen to us! Nothing with this family is ever simple or easy or a straight line.” But I was reminded in so many amazing ways – chance encounters, messages from friends, sermons (thank you Jason Strand) from people who had no idea what was happening at this point – that God doesn't do His best work in the simple, easy, straight line. God works in the mess, the impossible, the mountains and valleys so we can't say we had anything to do with it. So I trusted that He would figure it out, because I obviously could do nothing but wait.

Thanksgiving…

Christmas…

New Years…

Silence.

We heard absolutely nothing from either worker. I tried to be patient during the holidays because everything basically shuts down. A new year begins and no one wants to start something and have it unfinished at year end. But I kept thinking of these kids who are spending one more holiday season without their forever family.

It was agonizing. We felt more like a “normal” family as we were one year post finalization but through all the celebrations and gatherings I felt like we were so incomplete.

January 2016 || I sent emails to both workers stating our continued strong interest and asked if they needed any more information. And I heard next to nothing. Then on January 11th we were sent into our whirlwind failed match experience which left me completely drained, empty, heartbroken. I was a zombie. A mombie with empty hands.

My mother-in-law asked if I wanted to go to a retreat and said I could be a vendor to sell my hats. When she asked all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and cry. I must have looked just plain pitiful. But I gave a tired yes. And a fire was set ablaze somehow. I was a knitting machine. I made three hats in one day. I made tags, created a logo, started an etsy shop, and made soap. Of all things. I just made and made and made. I have no other reason than that God was working in me, preparing me, restoring me, healing me. Giving my hands something to do while He worked on my heart. And I was back into fundraising mode, for the first time this journey. I couldn't explain it then, but looking back now I knew in my soul something was brewing.

AND THEN...|| On January 20th, two days before the event, one week after our failed match, I got a call from this little boy's social worker. After four months we got a call. Sixteen home studies had been submitted. They narrowed it down to three families. Us and two others. I started crying on the phone, and answered her questions like a babbling idiot, praying all the while God would somehow take the nonsensical words I was speaking and make something good.

In 19 days, on February 9th, there would be an adoption conference and they would make a decision. All his workers, advocates, foster parents, supervisors would gather together, look over the home studies and choose his forever family. I fell to my knees and pleaded with God. “You know the best for him. Open their eyes to the best. Even if it's not us. If not us, YOU are still good. Give us peace.”

I sold soap like a boss before the retreat. I sold soap and hats at the retreat. Looking back I don't know how I did either with all this going on, but hey, God is bigger than me and my frazzled brain.

We kept the information about the meeting close to our chest. My mind was telling me that we had a 33% chance. My soul was screaming HE IS OURS! But I knew it was in God's hands and His plan, though beautiful and perfect, could look starkly different from my desires. About 5 days before the meeting I told our small village to pray. Pray for him, pray for the workers, pray for the foster family, pray for us.

It is no accident I had watched War Room a few months before. No accident I had bought the book Fervent. No accident we watched War Room at the retreat. Prayer. Specific, strategic prayers. I posted them on my mirror. I carried them in my purse. I wrote them on small sheets of paper everywhere. In the past I would have probably binge-watched my way through Grey's Anatomy, again, or Downton Abbey, again. Not that my prayers, by any means, wafted their way up to the heavens and changed the course of the future. No, or, maybe yes? I dont know. But what I do know is that I felt peace. I was held by my faithful, good Father instead of leaning on myself, wanting to take control, or pout. I let go and it was so much better.

THE MEETING || At 10:30 am I got an email from the worker of the sibling group. My heart skipped a beat and dropped at the same time. I prayed, Oh, please don't make us choose!! I opened the email and it said a different family had been chosen within the state. I cried a bit, sad that we lost them too. But I kept thinking, maybe I got the email today, of all days, for a reason. This is part of a bigger plan. A prayer was answered. We don't have to choose.

At 1:00 pm I got a few messages that friends were praying, which is the most amazing thing in the world. I sent the Bea to rest time and played some music. I prayed. I didn't really know what to pray for – just that we'd have peace, this boy would be in the best home, and that God would be glorified no matter what.

At 2:00 our case manager told me her part of the meeting went well. She said she'd let us know if she heard anything. I assumed from our first experience with meetings like this it could be a few days before we heard their decision. Then, if we were chosen I expected another agonizing wait to make it official in court. (With our first we waited two months)

I resigned myself fully to the wait and resolved to be done adulting for the day. I settled our girl in the big bed with a movie and made a little nest for myself at the foot of the bed. I was going to sleep and dream and wait. But first, I had to run into the garage to get the meat for dinner. And then the phone rang...and I missed it!

“...You were picked...” I listened to the voicemail again and again “...YOU were picked...YOU WERE PICKED!!! Before that moment I have never in my life been full on laughing and ugly sobbing at the same time! I danced, I cried, I said a lot of, “WHUUUT”s.

Then I called Jason. He was sitting in his office at work and praying too. I had been updating him all day – the meeting started, Anita said it was good. And I told him the news. “Really? Are you serious?!” I could hear him choking up as tears streamed down my face.

Yes. We have a son and he is waiting for us.

.    .    .    .     .

This is what I learned when I was able to talk to his worker: Right now we have been chosen as his intended adoptive family and will soon take placement as his adoptive placement. There is NO court hearing that needs to take place. Praise Jesus! Only the ICPC (Interstate Compact on Placement of Children), basically the agreement between the two states stating we will take placement and Minnesota will supervise the rest of his placement until finalization. Red Tape. I had to ask her three times – ONLY the ICPC??? Yes. Once the ICPC has cleared we will be traveling to meet our little boy.

Let me just say that again…

Once this piece of paper is signed,

WE WILL MEET OUR SON AND TAKE HIM HOME!

So we wait. Again, but with so much excitement and anticipation I can barely contain myself.  We don't know when we will leave. Could be a week, could be two weeks. We are praying sooner than later!!

Please join us in prayer for this ICPC to get passed lightening fast, that all the workers who come in contact with it will be filled with an unexplainable sense of urgency to get it through. Pray that we prepare ourselves for the travels, as well as the enormous adjustments that will take place, especially our little girl. And pray for this sweet, little, gorgeous little boy who is waiting for us.

We will be in his state for about a week – with all the travel expenses and keeping a preschooler slightly entertained. So please also pray that the Lord will provide everything we need to meet our boy, get to know him, bring him home without a financial burden hanging over our heads. We trust He will provide, He always does. We just don't know how all the time.

ADOPTION IS SO MUCH MORE (part 2)

When we step out in bold faith, when we say YES to God's movement and NO to fear, when we believe in His plan and provision, amazing things can happen.

Adoption is so much more...than bringing a baby home. That in itself is beautiful, amazing, breathtakingly awesome. But there is so much more. The community that surrounds and rallies. The family that grows close. The church that supports. The birth family and foster families being loved on, cherished, encouraged. The moving of our very Lord and Savior through the hearts and minds of family, friends, coworkers, church members, total strangers...to bring this child home, grow this family together!! There is so much more than we could ever dream to see.

 .     .     .     .     .

I wrote this ridiculously long message to a couple in my church who had recently brought home a baby through adoption. And their story is truly beautiful. Believing God when He urged me to reach out, for whatever reason, I prayed and pressed SEND.

In all honesty I was expected and waiting for a polite brush off. This couple was busy. They were settling in with their new baby. They had other children. Careers. Church positions. Would they really have time for us and our story?

After a few minutes I got a response…then another…and a question: Do you have a video to add to your fundraiser?

We didn't. I would have loved to have one. I'm not techy. We don’t have equipment. And the time to edit? Yeah, right. And I'm a perfectionist so some grainy video from our phones wouldn't do. So I had settled on the realization that we weren't going to have a video and I was okay with that.

So our new friend says, "That's exactly what I was hoping you would say. I have my our production company and I would love to make a video for your fundraiser."

Instantly tears are streaming.

I could barely make out the words to the good man. God had answered so many prayers in that one little sentence, some I hadn't even prayed yet. And did this new friend know that behind the screen across town he had changed our life, our journey, strengthened our faith, with this string of words?

There are simple moments in the adoption journey, or any journey of calling by God, where He reaches through heaven and the sky right into the very air you are breathing and you FEEL Him. You know, without a doubt, total certainty, He is here. And He is real. And HE is making this happen. God just stepped down out of heaven and dumped this amazing, unbelievable miracle on us and I was undone.

Within a few short days our new friend entered our little home with his camera equipment and recorded our story. He encouraged us, worked with us, comforted and gave guidance. It was the most wonderful experience. Another simple moment when God brings people together for His purposes, especially for the adoption of a child, who would maybe never have sat together at the same table. Never am I more aware of His working around us than I am in the middle of an adoption journey. I seriously had to keep myself from thinking these very things as we worked…because really I would have been bawling the entire time! I'm crying right now as I type this!

And what have I learned through this amazing experience?

1. Step out with courageous faith. My fears were unfounded. They seemed real. And that's exactly what the enemy wanted me to think. Step out in courageous faith in God, in others, and in His working in their lives. It seems scary and awkward and silly and weird. But in our weakest moments, the most awkward encounters, if we move when He asks He will honor that.  

2. God is working, let Him work. I can't know the end, sometimes not even the middle, but I do know when God urges me to move and I ought to do so boldly, with courage, knowing that He is the one who spoke the universe into motion, He will work in my efforts. My only job here is to follow His lead. It's not to know the ins and outs of the calling I have been given, or the urge I receive. But to follow. And try to follow bravely. There is no shame in weakness or doubt. Those are opportunities for Him to surprise us and bless us immensely.

3. Assumption is robbery. My fears of rejection or brush off assume the worst in another person. I have essentially written them off, not allowing them the opportunity to show their kindness and be used by God.  I know nothing about them yet, because of my fear I I assume the worst. I need to see people as God sees them -- vessels of blessing, comfort, encouragement, wisdom, and loved by Him -- a middle man for His working in my life. Had I caved and deleted my message we would not have made new friends in our adoption journey…and I would have robbed our new friends of the opportunity to bless us as they have. When God tells you to move…MOVE. And I would have said NO to this amazing and beautiful chapter in our adoption story. And oh my goodness…I would have been completely WRONG! Dave and Sarah are the most caring and kind people in the world!! I am not letting fear get the best of me ever again…er, I'm going to try my darnedest! 

4. The Church is His jam. I am in awe of this church family we have. It's difficult in a large church sometimes, most of the time. And I was scared to death when I walked in the big doors to this big tidal wave of people. And it's been nothing but blessing after blessing. I am so proud to say I belong to a church that rallies for adoption, that supports adoption, that cherishes children who have been adopted and their forever families. More and more I firmly believe that God is using His church, this church, to speak His love and power in their lives, our lives. On occasion He has used strangers, community members, family, old friends...but more often than not He is using this church community, this village of Christ-followers to love on us, support us, and encourage us.

.     .     .     .     .

We are incredibly grateful for our friends Dave and Sarah who have so generously and graciously blessed us with this amazing video. It is truly beyond all we could ask or imagine. What a beautiful way to be used as His hands and feet. Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts. Truly.

ADOPTION IS SO MUCH MORE

I don't like asking for help. It is completely against my nature to put myself out there. I'd much rather never ask than face rejection. And I'm pretty small in stature so I spent my younger years hiding behind others. In elementary, even in high school, when my teacher would ask a question I would hunch down low behind the person in front of me and never had to answer, even when I almost always knew the answer. In gym class I would find a taller classmate and be their shadow until dodgeball was over. The only situations in which this well-practiced method of hiding would back fire are when my front row friend was home sick...or the person I picked for dodging dodgeball was unexpectedly good and...I ended up being the LAST person on my team. Eight foam balls flung at me and I lost us the game. Figures.

I think adoption is so much bigger than bringing a child into a family. It is so much more. I think God uses adoption to speak to hearts, show His power, faithfulness, provision. God changes people and works miracles -- all behind the scenes. We see a baby or child welcomed home, and that is incredibly amazing in itself! But we don't see all that happened in the background to get this family to this moment. The most surprising thing about adoption and the entire journey through the adoption process, is how it changed and continues to change me. All the bending, breaking, mending, learning, healing, leaning, courage, boldness, bravery, strength, the moments of defeat that made joy more complete. Adoption is so much more.

Through my struggle of infertility I discovered I had a voice. In the most isolating, excruciating struggle of my life, I found I had something to say and I didn't care if it wasn't fluffy or shiny. Through our adoption journeys I've discovered I can be brave. There's a boldness and courage that I honestly didn't know existed. In a few short months I went from meekly leaving polite messages and waiting for phone calls to demanding updates, I've faced the feelings of judgment in the home study phase, the asking and waiting in fundraising,  stood tall before judges and pleaded our case. It doesn't seem like much. And honestly as I type this I'm thinking it's a little ridiculous that I take some ounce of pride over these things. But I flashback to ten years ago, even two years ago, and remember that this person is a far cry from the professional hider in school.

And in this newest adoption journey God is not done bringing out the courage and brave and strength and might, I guess. Challenging me, changing me, shaping and molding and bending and breaking. Mending. I wrestle against it, but I want to be the mom my kids will need. And if He is saying I need to be bolder, braver, stronger, louder…then I will be. I can be a fighter.

With this newfound resolve God is stretching me...

Last week, while trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep, a simple idea came to mind. A wild thought crept out of the fog and it would not let up. This, half-asleep/half-awake place, is where He speaks to me most. Not in audible voices with direct messages, but in inclinations, seemingly crazy ideas, sleeplessness leading to prayer. Not every night. Not all the time. Mostly I think about rearranging the furniture, but sometimes God likes to use these quiet, restful moments to get my attention.

All day long I'm thinking this crazy thing and pushing it aside, only to have it creep back in. Come on! And then I had another wild thought, maybe this idea isn't mine, but His?

So I took a deep breath, prayed for courage, pleaded for bravery, the right words, boldness, humility, and that He would work in this crazy wild idea.

And you know, the reason this seemed so out there, farfetched, it's ridiculous. I know this. I have kicked myself for even thinking it crazy. But I couldn't help it. I was afraid of rejection, of the brush off, of annoying, or even being misunderstood.

Fear makes us irrational. And when we bend to fear we can miss out on some amazing awesome things God had planned for us. When the thing I fear seems more daunting than God's power is awesome, I tend to buckle and back down.

What I've learned from this adoption journey is to dig in, stand tall, and trust that God will open doors, soften hearts, and provide. Sometimes it's a little baby step, sometimes it feels like a freefalling off a cliff backwards. Fully believing, because we have no reason to doubt -- God is all about adoption and will not let anything stand between a child and his or her forever family.

So I scribbled an awkward message and sent it late at night to this pretty sweet couple that I have never met who had their our adoption fundraising to worry about and who happened to be well connected...and had recently gone viral.

Basically, "You don't know me but we're adopting. Would you please share our story?"

And then the most incredible thing happened...

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ICPC Approval

Happy May!

When I got the phone call from DHS in January that we had been deemed the intended adoptive family for our little girl, and then getting another call saying we would have to wait until May for the possibility of bringing her home -- May could not come fast enough. And now it is here. And I am wondering how on earth that happened so painfully slow and crazy fast at the same time. The odd and eery time warp that is parenthood I guess. It is May and although our adoption journey is far from over, I breath a deep sigh of relief.

We have survived winter.

It is M A Y.

.     .     .     .     .

It occurs to me that I have not updated ya'll on our progress lately!! Maybe because every time I sit down to do so I get another phone call or email that changes it all again. Seems there is always something going on, but nothing really happen...until NOW!

Our ICPC has been approved!

An ICPC (Interstate Compact for Placement of Children) is a contract agreement between two states or agencies when dealing with state-to-state placements in foster care. It's an agreement between the child's state of origin and the new placement state (MN) stating that MN and our agency will take responsibility for the child and will facilitate post-placement supervision and visits.

Let me just tell you this: It's a HUGE step completed and moving in the right direction. . Piles of paper work filled out, completed, sent in, filed and finally APPROVED.

And...We are currently preparing for our third trip south for some visits and an important court hearing. Prayers are greatly appreciated.

If you have not yet seen it, we have launched a new fundraiser through giveforward.com. You can visit our fundraising page here. I have also included a link to the right. If you can't give anything financially right now, that's okay! Please so think about taking a few moments to click the SUPPORT button to drum up some more traffic for us! Thanks!

The Single Most Moments

The last two weeks, like the weeks before, have been a rollercoaster.  It seems that just when good news, or any news at all of movement, reaches our ears news of a new possible obstacle comes into the other ear. I told the good man that I feel like mountains are sprouting up all around us. And in the moments of no new obstacles, no new mountains there is silence. I am emailing a brick wall.

But before we get into all the mess and aggravation of this journey…lets rejoice over the wonder and miracle and the beauty and the best week of our lives thus far.

. : The First Visit : .

Two weeks ago, on the late evening of February 17th, we packed up the car and headed south on mostly vacant winter roads. We are forever grateful for Bean and her husband Eric for the great distraction they offered us over the weekend before we made the trek south. Eric and Bean came down for a visit, their first getaway since starting their new life together. We had a wonderful time playing games, eating good food, and being distracted from the impending visit.  I know that without this weekend of fun and family  the good man and I would have been complete wrecks, just waiting with each other and nothing to do.

So there we were, just the two of us, headed into the dark and unknown. We’ve been here on this road before, headed to Colorado, back to school, a new chapter. But this, this was different. This was like nothing else. Driving down to meet our little girl for the first time -- completely herself grown and personality formed away and separate from us! And how many parents can say they've taken this trip? We passed truckers and families traveling, people going to work…and I couldn't help but think, How many times have I traveled this road? Hundreds. And have we ever passed a couple making the same pilgrimage? God forgive me for not seeing them. For not offering them a cup of coffee. If nothing else, this journey has taught me you never know. You never know the story of the person in the car beside you. And to offer grace, shovel grace, to be kind because your everyday could be their life changing day.

As morning broke my heart skipped beats again and again. The sun had never looked so bright. The air had never smelled quite so fresh. Newness. We could feel the change in the air, the very tilting of the earth. We entered the city, her hometown. This was a day to remember. And as we ordered our breakfast, I wondered how the people around me were going about their day like nothing amazing, life changing, magnificent was happening today?? And how many times have I gone about my day like any other while that particular day change the course of life for another? How little we think of those around us. How blind am I?

After a trip to the mall, a drive around town, and lunch, we finally checked into our room with enough time for me to run a brush through my hair, change my shirt, and put on deodorant. If there had been time to be upset, I would have been Momzilla. This was not the plan, to meet our little girl without a shower, fresh makeup, and a clean face. But no, there wasn't time to get ready or to get mad. We were clicking in our seat belts and headed toward

The Single Most Defining Moment of Our Lives.

We found the DHS office where our first visit would take place. We took deep breaths together before walking  up the sidewalk. The good man grabbed my hand tight and grounded me. I was in management mode. Managing my breathing, my walking, my every expression. Just to make sure I didn't fall apart from nerves. He opened the door and the super friendly security guard greeted us, thankful for his smile. And as we stood, shifting our feet together, the good man tapped me on the shoulder and nodded to his right. And there….right there next to me sitting backward on a chair was the most beautiful face I had ever seen. Everything in that room fell away. It sounds cheesy and cliché, but oh-so true. Perfect cuteness. Perfect dark brown hair with bouncing curls and big brown eyes. And that was it. I was undone. I was determined. I was focused. She had me for the rest of my life. With one look. My heart opened wide all the nooks and crannies, corners and hidden places. There was no turning back now. And I knew in that moment that she would be mine for the rest of my life even if this all went sideways and all we got with her was this short week. She would always be mine. i was undone with one look. 

And I had to turn away before the tears started streaming then and there in that DHS lobby. Tears of joy -- for this is the the daughter we have loved and prayed for for nearly two years, her specifically, and she is sitting next to me. Finally. Tears of sorrow and weight -- because she is so close and so far away, I can't hug her, I can't pick her little self up into my arms. She doesn't even know who I am. Yet. He grabbed my hand again and squeezed strength into my soul. And as we sat down to wait the good man whispered our hearts' prayer into my ear. We were crying out to the Father together in that room.

Our names were called and I put face to the voice who called on the phone for weeks and weeks. The social worker and I was shaking. This is the moment. She took us into a room with a window to look into the room with HER. And we will call her Sweet Girl. The social worker talked about her and told us what would happen. And I choked back tears. This moment. The moment we meet our daughter. This only happens once. And finally, FINALLY, we are here. We walked around the corner and walked into the room. The first word I said to her, our little sweet girl, was "Hi." And the first word she said to me was "Two." She was two years old. We read books and the good man made her giggle with monkey noises. She traced my hand with pen and paper and we made it into a turkey. We played with a ball and colored pictures. And it was the most magical two hours of our lives together. And also the most awkward first meeting of our child we could have never imagined. We left for the hotel and were floating.

Over the next few days we would spend a total of 20 hours with our sweet girl and loved every minute. We played at the park, flew a kite, played with bubbles, fed some geese, played at the PlayPlace, went to the hotel to read every book we brought in less than 30 minutes. (The good man finally agrees we need more books, to which I replied, "You can never have too many books!") We played with playdough, colored a birdhouse, read more books, went bowling, played at the park more, took a nap (She cuddled up to me and fell right asleep at the hotel and my heart melted!). We also went to the Science Museum, the library, and ate at the most amazing cupcake shop in the world.

We were told she is a little uneasy about men. So the fact that she runs to the good man, lets him pick her up, giggles with him, and likes to play games with him at the park is a good sign for us.

And how can I explain to you how this has changed me? Changed me, yes, and still not quite. At peace. Brought out something within me that I never knew existed. Finally knowing and understanding what it is to be content. With this girl laughing and smiling and giggling in my arms I have felt . :completely myself: . I did not know it was possible to feel this way. Not to say that this completes me, that she fixes what was broken or hurt, that she makes we whole because that is not her job. She has no job. And also not to say that my life with the good man had been incomplete or less. Just that…I know now that motherhood is my life's calling, this is my purpose. This is what God has made me to do. And to be doing what you were made to do…there is no better feeling. I didn't care that my hair was messy, that I was smiling like a fool. I didn't care what others thought of me, if I was being too goofy or silly. I wasn’t trying or forcing it, I didn't feel awkward or uncertain. And maybe I was just to full of joy to remember those parts. I don't care. And I know that motherhood is not all giggles and smiles. But in these moments, I felt whole, content, at peace, knowing. To be doing what you were called to do, purposed to do, there is no better feeling.

And the single most heartbreaking moment finally, inevitably, came.

We dropped her off with her foster father for the last time that week. She hugged us goodbye and we took the most difficult steps of our lives. We turned away, walked away, and drove away. Drove home without our daughter. My heart was bleeding every mile. We got home to our home, unbelievably empty and impossibly quiet. And it was as if the last week was a dream. We had to talk about her to make it real, real in this world we live in day to day and not just real in her world, in her town. We had to talk about her even though every word tore at my soul. Every word a tear fell and I just could not believe that we had left her, that we came home without her. Home is not home anymore. Not without her. I know we had to but I just can't believe this page of the story.

And now…we are counting the days, the hours, until we see her again. In two short and impossibly long weeks I will see her most beautiful face again. And sadly, the good man will stay home to work. And I will again hold her and smile with her and play with her and read with her and say goodbye to her and drive away home. And my heart will bleed with every mile.

We know that just as God has placed her in our lives almost two years ago, with the first phone call, that he had not kept her in our lives only to have her leave us forever. We know that he will work it all out, in his time and his way. We trust that she will one day be riding home with us. And home will be home again with her. We know and believe this. But we do need your prayers. There are many details that need to be worked out, many people involved -- and not all are helpful. I have not talked to the social worker in the last two weeks, since the visit, which is a little disconcerting. I have basically been emailing into the void about questions and concerns and updates. We're trying to make final plans for the next visit at the end of the month, or at least I am, because no one is responding to me. Maybe this is a lesson in trust and surrender. So I am learning to trust and believe that God is working out all the details behind the scenes, working in hearts and minds, softening hearts, and working out the paperwork, the details. And I may not see it, but I can know he is active and faithful.

And if, IF, bringing her home is not His plan, because I do not know his infinite ways, I know we will see her again. Somewhere, somehow and I will tell her I had loved her from the start, and she had me with one look. 

I can't tell you specifics, but please pray for every step of this process, for everyone involved -- social workers, the foster parents, judges, for this sweet girl, and for us. Pray that the family is blessed and that God would work in their lives, that this little one would be protected and grow stronger each day, that she would remember me and all that we did. That she would adjust well to this new transition and be protected from anything negative from this new situation. Pray for us, that we would have faith, trust in the Father to work out the details, that we would be able to find and see the joy given on this journey.  Pray also that God would work financially. We are cutting into our post-placement money raised to work out these cross country visits. It's a little worrisome, but I know that He will provide more than we need, when we need it, just as He has before. And pray too that the Lord would prepare us and equip us for the chapters that lie ahead. That we would be grateful and praise Him for whatever He brings and gives, knowing all is in His grace. 

. : T H A N K : Y O U : . {again and again}

I don't even know how to begin this post. So much love shared and felt...showered on and stood in awe. Undeserved kindness and support, mountains moved and a village made.

When we took the leap onto this path, hand in hand facing unknown and giants, we had no idea the wonderful, beautiful we would encounter, even in the darkest corners and deepest forest.

And amazingly...

HOME STUDY PAID

and what's more?

  

we are

  

 HOME STUDY APPROVED

.     .     .     .     .

Can we just take this moment to scream and cheer and cry and faint because, people, this is HUGE! And I am breathing a lot easier these days...

Family, friends -- new and old, friends of friends I've never met, and complete strangers who stumbled upon us and our story: we could not have done it without you. All of you. From the penny found in the driveway to the first and most mind-blowing donation -- each stops my heart and roots my belief deeper and deeper that adoption is a community event.

We didn't know what we were doing when we started and adoption fundraiser. Really. We wondered if anyone would respond. We wondered if people might think us rude, or at least inappropriate, to air our "private" business and have the audacity to mention money. I was seriously scared, with no idea what might happen.

But as I filled out the application and shared my dreams of fundraising, I felt a sense of urgency and the weight of truth:

We, children of God, have all been adopted. And as believers we all can relate to the orphan, alone and forgotten, the need for family. And the fact of our adoption only brings to light the fact that adoption is God's plan.

And all this trinkled down to reassure me, bring me hope -- when there is an orphan, a child in need...they will come. The village will surround.

To  simply say that the village did surround is a gross understatement. The village, YOU, did more than surround. You encouraged every day, supported every step, cheered every victory, even the small; groaned with us when we needed to vent, and gave comfort when we were all but defeated. You offered your time, your projects and even opened your homes! And you prayed. You PRAYED. And we are still in disbelief of the miracles seen last fall. 

Together. we + you = completed a home study, raised enough to completely cover the cost of it all, PLUS the post placement visits!

Thank you, those two simple words, seem to be less than enough. I want to hug each of you, bring you a favorite drink, jump up and down with you all! Thank you. THANK YOU!! We are so grateful for you and none of this could have happened without you!!

I wrestled with the idea of sharing the breakdown of raised funds. Is it appropriate? Is it bragging? Is it too personal? But you know what, I don't care about all that. As we said when we started out on this journey, you are all apart of bringing this family together. And we want you to see what you have so generously and selflessly, cheerfully accomplished!

 Funds Raised                                                   Adoption Fees

Online Fundraiser      $1585                       Home Study    $3000

Checks in mail              450                 Background Studies   140

Photography                 265              Post Placement Visits  1400
Bird Bath Sales             225                          Total:        $4540
Garage Sale #1            1751
Garage Sale #2              350
               Total:      $4626

Can I just tell you that, honestly, I thought we might raise...$1000?

We raised 4 times that. I am still spinning. 

So there it is: the majorly-overdue-awesome-news-filled update. With the home study completed and approved, and paid for, we are onto the waiting. People call it the fun part, but as a large portion of my adult life has been spent waiting, I'm not entirely thrilled by it. 

I am thrilled to be onto the next adventure our Good and Great Father has in mind for us. 

If you are still interesting in helping us out as we get closer to bringing our family together, we are continuing to use GiveForward to raise funds for travel expenses, when the time comes. Our new fundraiser page is here. 

Thanks for reading, as always...
and thanks again for all your prayers, support, and encouragement.

An Update LONG Overdue...

The kitchen sink is clogged. And that dead black goo is coming out the drain. Dropped an egg on our carpeted kitchen floor. And the jelly knife fell onto my just-washed-and-dried hair. And…did I mention I ran into the garage with my car?

What can I say? It's been one of those weeks. Full of those stupid, small, little mishaps -- until they pile up and you think you're going crazy. What else can possibly happen now? I walk around with a dead stare in my eyes, learned helplessness at this point. Like playing dodge ball in high school. I just stand at the line ready for the inevitable hit. At least they are foam balls. At least I'm still standing. The house is still standing. And the bills are getting paid. I think...

So what better time to write an update. Life has been crazy-gone-nuts for the past three months and I thought with the new year that things would settle down. Nope. And I was silly to think that my life would reach some sort of calm, therapeutic lull. I mean, come on, my life?

If I had a reality show, I would sing this update to you. I can see it now. Family and friends dancing to amazing and weird choreography…Man, I wish I had my own show. But alas…

So what happened??

. : o c t o b e r : .

We were well into the home study process with two visits completed. And we also started the home buying process! So the paper work was flying and our files are still recovering from that. Amazingly, though, both processes require almost exactly the same bits (or piles) of information. Our kitchen table turned into file pile central: one for the house, another for the agency.

We also started cleaning and painting in our soon-to-be home. It's the good man's grandma's. This was perfect! Painting for two weeks straight without furniture to move and make messy. And I am so glad the good man encouraged me to keep going. I can't imagine doing any painting now!

And we were thrown for a crazy wonderful loop when we got a call in September about a little girl who would be available for adoption soon. (!!!) We hadn't told hardly a soul and didn't want to get our hopes up to quickly, only to have them sink like an anchor. So we kept going, one step and then another.

It was a crazy couple months by then end of October -- calling social workers, adoption agencies, DHS workers, state offices, realtors, mortgage lenders…and trying to maintain some sense of sanity...

Our final home study visit was on Halloween night at our house. Still empty and freezing, we finished up some paper work and high fived! One step closer!!

. : n o v e m b e r : .

Pretty much more furies of paper work -- always one more thing needed. And still trying to get the house ready to move into.

A staffing was conducted to decide the future placement for this little girl. And we were decided as the intended adoptive family!! We expected to hear immediately after the staffing what they decided but it was a couple of days later and several phone calls away. But we are excited and beyond thrilled. We were told to look forward to phone calls and emails with her current foster parents in order to establish a bond with her. 

We closed on the house at the end of the month, right before Thanksgiving. Needless to say we had

plenty to be grateful for this year. And we moved into our new home with the amazing help of family and friends. 

And fresh venison was had by all.

A stack of crazy paper work still sits in the corner, but we are relieved that all that file hunting is behind us!

. : d e c e m b e r : .

…was pure craziness!! We unpacked, cleaned our apartment, signed the end of lease papers and were waiting for a special traveler and new family member -- a new brother-in-law!! Bean was eagerly anticipating the long awaited arrival of her fiancé, from Cameroon, who she met in Moscow. I know!  After he was told again and again to keep waiting for his visa, it finally was time for him to pick it up and get on the plane!

So for the first time ever, we met him and welcomed him home. And the timing was perfect because the wedding was set for two weeks later! I'm telling you…Pure. Craziness.

We hadn't heard anything from any social workers or DHS staff at this point since the staffing in the beginning of November. I was feeling really low and kind of defeated. Sent out several emails with no reply and wallowed into a ball of yarn.

On Friday the 13th, after climbing the ladder of DHS staff by way of emails and phone calls, I finally got the amazing information we had been longing for! Contact information for the foster parents and…A PICTURE!!! The good man was home when I opened the email and I just bawled with joy all over his shirt. That cute little face and that perfect smile!

Then I packed my bags and headed to the tundra called Northern Minnesota to help with the wedding. I was the matron of honor…and self designated bossy planner! Sure there were crazy moments, like when everything Bean touched broke -- her coat, her necklace, her capo. Or when we had to practically make a seating chart for the cars every time we left the house. But it was a beautiful wedding. Not a dry eye in the place, except for Dad, but he never cries. IF he did cry, I think all of us girls would stop the wedding and post it on instagram. For. Real. The happy couple rode off into the blistering cold to enjoy their honeymoon!

 And back to the real world. Can I just say that my struggle to hibernate was made only worse this horribly frozen year? Oh, it was terrible. I wrote the foster parents an email just after Christmas, not wanting to jump into their holiday celebration. "Hi, you're foster daughter, whom you love, is now going to live with me." No, I didn't write that, but how does one write one of the most bittersweet letters there can ever be? I did my best and sent it off.

. : j a n u a r y : .

The sink is clogged. And stinky. And I still haven't heard from the foster parents. But I'm told that they have been busy with family these past few weeks. Grace, I am giving grace.

But more, I have just been informed that this little one will not be cleared to leave her state until May. Five more months of waiting. And I am just really struggling to be positive about this. Okay, positive is not the right word. There is no positive to this. She was mine, in my heart, from the moment I heard about her and no mom wants to be away from her child. So, really, I am just trying not to be negative about this. I got myself a coffee when I picked up the plunger and I am listening to Coldplay and the Karmin cover of Look At Me Now.

How strange. This confusion of feelings.

Never have I felt it more than today. Excited and overjoyed to think that this summer we will have a little one, our little one, running around our house and our backyard. And the heartbreak and pain of waiting another season to bring her home.

I feel happy and grateful to be celebrating my Dad's birthday tomorrow -- so thankful to have his love and silliness another year. And the sorrow as today marks 18 years my grandma, his mother, has been gone. I think as I get older and remember childhood, the things that I missed, that went over my head, are hitting me now. Singing happy birthday in the van as we traveled to Grammy's funeral…just shatters my heart this year.

And as the mistakes of a friend are made known to the world, I want to show compassion yet I am angered. I have seen this news before, many times, and never once felt so conflicted. Should I have been more compassionate to others? Should I be harder now?

But for right now, I sit in my new house, which has seen the growings up of many others and has been loved well, holding tight to the knowledge that there is a plan and gathering courage to wait and hope and let the joy flow freely, celebrating the fact that we are one step closer to growing our family…and in awe that life could look so different in just a few months. October to now, now to May...

I will pull up the bootstraps and unclog the sink.

And wash the jelly out of my hair.

Big Little Steps

We packed the cars again and shoved, with great effort, the doors closed. Filled to the brim with items donated by family and friends, new for this next sale, or leftover from the last. With large items loaded into a truck bed, borrowed from a friend. We have been blessed with great friends. This we are learning well and ever grateful. And we, with our loot and stickers and tape and markers and hangers, pull out onto the road. A caravan. Convoy. Train headed to great possibilities.

There is a constant nervousness about me these days. Not really anxiety. Not really worry, not really even nervousness. A kind of tickle...excitement, bubbling joy, trinkling fear of the unknown and unexpected, mixed with worry that somehow it will all be for nothing, and anticipation for the wonderful good adventure ahead...How can all of that be anything but a tickle? Head to long skinny toes.

So we head down the road and with every white dash passing on the black tar, with every breath I take, a prayer: "God, work in this. God, go before us. God, bring out the right people at the right time for the right item for the right reason...just bring them. And remind me this is all for them; for You, and them."

We pull into the driveway of a house I have never seen, belonging to a couple I have never met. And as I walk up the drive to wave to Andrea, my dear friend, her mom wraps me in a warm hug even before we are introduced. Diane and her husband Brian have willingly, graciously, joyfully offered us the use of their garage for our second and final sale. And from that moment on we have been doted upon, humbled, and just showered with love and kindness, not only from this wonderful family, but also their neighbors. Tables offered freely, neighbors helping along the way. Everyone excited and encouraging and just amazingly perfect. I have been amazed and am still in awe!



We, the six of us, dig through box after box, bag after bag -- organized and priced countless items -- into dusk and beyond. And honestly I felt that we were getting no where. It was a serious mess, not their garage, but the things we brought. Just so much in too many piles. So we broke for pizza!

And we shared a great meal together in this warm, welcoming home with these wonderful people who we did not know six months ago, who are now a huge part of our adoption story. I sat back and smiled. God is so good. All the time. And after a bit more work, wouldn't you know it? The garage looked amazing and we closed the door. A communal, grateful sigh. And the good man and I headed home, hand in hand in silent and vocal prayer.

.        .        .        .        .

I stayed up too late and woke up too early and, with great need of coffee, headed out into the chilly autumn air with simple anticipations of seeing God in amazing ways. And I'm not just saying that. I prayed and prayed and sang and talked out loud to myself -- if only I see God work, if only I see Him...I will be more than grateful no matter the outcome of the sale. So I prayed for courage and contentment. And it echoed again, those verses that have been with me since the very first steps of this journey -- in the early inkling of something amazing, and in whispers of adoption: 

{Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. }

So I did what I do, not best, but what I have learned to do in the most daunting moments: I pulled up my bootstraps and became the determined crazy woman. And oh, yes I did.

While still dark, I walked with signs and hammer in hand to the prime sign locations and pounded them in. And when the first set of signs was securely placed, I began to run back across the overpass...in the dark...by myself...with a hammer...and laughed out loud! Because I really did become that determined crazy woman, wild hair, hammer and all! And I was no longer afraid, because really, who's going to mess with a wild woman wielding a hammer before sunrise?

So after that little show, I decided that, YES, I was in extreme need of coffee. I pulled into Dunn Bros and realized I pulled in the wrong way. *sigh* I drove around the building and waited in the now existing line. Ordered. Prayed. And pulled to the window. The chipper barista handed me my drink with a huge smile. I offered my card and she waved it away, "The person in front of you paid for your drink!" And I wanted to cry. I just wanted to melt and cry. Early morning kindness on another day I'm pulling up the straps. Oh, yes. I was going to see good things.

.        .        .        .        .

And...a couple hours later the good things were coming in the form of cloudy skies, sprinkling rain, biting wind, and fallen signs. It was 50 degrees and I was freezing. My hot coffee long gone and no one to send to fix the signs, I walked down the street and hoped to make it right. Again, the crazy lady with the hammer. And in those small moments of, "what the heck am I doing? We're never going to get anywhere with this," I remember that each freezing, tiring moment is for them. And if someone actually told me I would have to endure this cold, wet day a thousand times to have my babies, I would. In a heartbeat. And I remember He will show up. And to have courage.

.        .        .        .        .

As the day warmed up, slightly, shoppers arrived and most found at least one thing to purchase. Andrea stopped by and brought me lunch. Love. I went to get ones and some more coffee and returned to find Adele, my newest adoption friend! And she stayed to chat for a long while. More love. A friend of a friend stopped by. Small world. The good man came from work and brought warm hugs. True love and best friend. He fixed the signs and made me smile.

I did see God working in amazing and unexpected ways: early morning breakfast with Diane and a great chat about adoption. The excited smiles of strangers when listening to our story. Lunch with a new friend. A visit with a new friend. And really, just knowing that all this -- the rain, the sun, the big bills, the small change, the cold, the warmth -- is for them, our babies. And they are so worth it.

And with $176 added to our adoption fund, we closed shop. 

At home, I rested deep wrapped in His love, and his. 

.        .        .        .        .

The next morning, with the good man by my side, I opened the sale again. Signs up and sturdy, friends showing up early. The sun started to peek out bright and warm. It was looking like the beginning of something good, great even. 

Diane offered waffles and coffee, naturally, because she is just wonderful like that. And I have to get better at letting others care of me, be kind to me, love on me through wonderful kind acts and generosity. My stubbornness gets in the way, as does my fear of being in the way.

We spent the morning chatting with our friends, Andrea and Ryan. I passed on my love of knitting to my new friend and we counted time in purls and knits. We laughed loud and often and I find my joy overflowing. 

More new friends stopped by. Another couple adopting we met at our amazing adoption group. We have been showered in friends and supporters and I can hardly believe it. Friends in small group. Friends from long ago. Friends newly found on a shared road to parenthood. And I have to be better at showing these friends how truly important, vital, and cherished they are. 

At the end of the day we gathered up the things unbought and brought them to Goodwill. We kept some goodies that might do well at a silent auction. We hugged our friends and headed home. 

God works in amazing ways. In the very beginning of this journey I attended a MOPS meeting with some friends. Yes, me, that's right. And at the meeting an adoptive mom said something to the effect of "You will never see God working so vividly and evidently as when you are in the middle of an adoption journey." And I completely believe that. He shows up in the most bold and amazing ways, and gentle, quiet ease. The first sale was an explosion of people and funds. Like nothing I have ever seen before. The second sale was an explosion of love and friends and a constant flow of the Father's steadfast love, strength and courage. As if to say, "Even when the numbers are not overflowing, I've got it." 

And please do not misunderstand. I am equally excited and grateful and overjoyed by each individual sale. Each was perfect and amazing, by their own right. And God worked amazingly through each. Diane said it perfectly: Each big little step. 

And each is a wonderful part of this unexpected journey. 

.        .        .        .        .

GARAGE SALE: Metro Edition Total: $340

Total Raised To Date: $4071

.        .        .        .        .

We are less than $1000 away from meeting our first goal of $5000!! 

I know that God will push us through to the finish line and all it takes is a few willing hearts -- people who are passionate about children finding homes, people who desire to be involved in an adoption, or just people wanting to help out any way they can! I know our Heavenly Father has them marked and knows their purpose. I just can't wait to see how it all comes together!

I am still in shock! We officially started our fundraising adventure in August and not even two months later we are already so close! This little writer is fighting for the right words. We are overwhelmed, feeling so loved, and truly to believe that each one of you is just as excited to see our little ones come home. What an amazing day that will be!! 

Our funds have been raised, not only through garage sales, but also through...

     - generous gifts on our fundraising websites: giveforward, youcaring

     - through our friends at Chastanet Photography

     - sweat, blood and tears of my mom as she makes and sells birdbaths

     - and simple donations from friends and friends of friends through the mail! 

.        .        .        .        .

THANK YOU to everyone who donated, visited, gave extra, shared on facebook, told your friends, and supported us in spirit, prayed, helped and rooted for us from the beginning. 

A very special THANK YOU to our new friends, Andrea & Ryan Chastanet and Brian & Diane Wheeler, for whom we are forever grateful. Thank you for letting us use your garage, for welcoming us into your home, for supporting us as complete strangers and now friends, and for helping us haul our massive loads all over town! 

A few more wonderful friends who have helped us along the way...

Laura & Joel Boyd

Alex Boyd

Kristin Boyd

Lindsey Brimmer
Sue & Dan Skalicky
Liza & Aaron Skalicky

Robin Gunnerson & Girls

Audrey 

Olivemae Gebhart

Leslie Beckrich

Cindy Stapleton

Tammy Ranso

Marilyn Isaac

Linda Hagen

Nancy Grossman

Carry Hopkins

Tom & Barb Adams

Joyce Sjostrand

Shelly Lambert

Amanda Butterfield

Sandy Hubbart

Naomi Hoard
Gina Batchellor
Bree Fellows
Adele Yong Schultz
Carey & Michael Granica
Jamie Street
.     .     .     .     .

There are many others who have helped in the background by quietly sharing and spreading the word, and those who have helped anonymously. If I forgot to mention you, please forgive me. In this whirlwind of a week it has been hard to keep track of my laundry let alone the details of this experience.