ADOPTION IS SO MUCH MORE

I don't like asking for help. It is completely against my nature to put myself out there. I'd much rather never ask than face rejection. And I'm pretty small in stature so I spent my younger years hiding behind others. In elementary, even in high school, when my teacher would ask a question I would hunch down low behind the person in front of me and never had to answer, even when I almost always knew the answer. In gym class I would find a taller classmate and be their shadow until dodgeball was over. The only situations in which this well-practiced method of hiding would back fire are when my front row friend was home sick...or the person I picked for dodging dodgeball was unexpectedly good and...I ended up being the LAST person on my team. Eight foam balls flung at me and I lost us the game. Figures.

I think adoption is so much bigger than bringing a child into a family. It is so much more. I think God uses adoption to speak to hearts, show His power, faithfulness, provision. God changes people and works miracles -- all behind the scenes. We see a baby or child welcomed home, and that is incredibly amazing in itself! But we don't see all that happened in the background to get this family to this moment. The most surprising thing about adoption and the entire journey through the adoption process, is how it changed and continues to change me. All the bending, breaking, mending, learning, healing, leaning, courage, boldness, bravery, strength, the moments of defeat that made joy more complete. Adoption is so much more.

Through my struggle of infertility I discovered I had a voice. In the most isolating, excruciating struggle of my life, I found I had something to say and I didn't care if it wasn't fluffy or shiny. Through our adoption journeys I've discovered I can be brave. There's a boldness and courage that I honestly didn't know existed. In a few short months I went from meekly leaving polite messages and waiting for phone calls to demanding updates, I've faced the feelings of judgment in the home study phase, the asking and waiting in fundraising,  stood tall before judges and pleaded our case. It doesn't seem like much. And honestly as I type this I'm thinking it's a little ridiculous that I take some ounce of pride over these things. But I flashback to ten years ago, even two years ago, and remember that this person is a far cry from the professional hider in school.

And in this newest adoption journey God is not done bringing out the courage and brave and strength and might, I guess. Challenging me, changing me, shaping and molding and bending and breaking. Mending. I wrestle against it, but I want to be the mom my kids will need. And if He is saying I need to be bolder, braver, stronger, louder…then I will be. I can be a fighter.

With this newfound resolve God is stretching me...

Last week, while trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep, a simple idea came to mind. A wild thought crept out of the fog and it would not let up. This, half-asleep/half-awake place, is where He speaks to me most. Not in audible voices with direct messages, but in inclinations, seemingly crazy ideas, sleeplessness leading to prayer. Not every night. Not all the time. Mostly I think about rearranging the furniture, but sometimes God likes to use these quiet, restful moments to get my attention.

All day long I'm thinking this crazy thing and pushing it aside, only to have it creep back in. Come on! And then I had another wild thought, maybe this idea isn't mine, but His?

So I took a deep breath, prayed for courage, pleaded for bravery, the right words, boldness, humility, and that He would work in this crazy wild idea.

And you know, the reason this seemed so out there, farfetched, it's ridiculous. I know this. I have kicked myself for even thinking it crazy. But I couldn't help it. I was afraid of rejection, of the brush off, of annoying, or even being misunderstood.

Fear makes us irrational. And when we bend to fear we can miss out on some amazing awesome things God had planned for us. When the thing I fear seems more daunting than God's power is awesome, I tend to buckle and back down.

What I've learned from this adoption journey is to dig in, stand tall, and trust that God will open doors, soften hearts, and provide. Sometimes it's a little baby step, sometimes it feels like a freefalling off a cliff backwards. Fully believing, because we have no reason to doubt -- God is all about adoption and will not let anything stand between a child and his or her forever family.

So I scribbled an awkward message and sent it late at night to this pretty sweet couple that I have never met who had their our adoption fundraising to worry about and who happened to be well connected...and had recently gone viral.

Basically, "You don't know me but we're adopting. Would you please share our story?"

And then the most incredible thing happened...

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