Hope in the Wait: Preaching to myself

We haven't heard anything new as we wait to travel to meet our little boy. The waiting can be excruciating, especially after enduring a history of disastrous waiting periods. Old doubts and fears creep in, the joy of celebration is met with memories of sorrow. Slowly the excitement wears off as daily tasks need to be completed, and you wonder if it was a dream, maybe you are mistaken. Because nothing has changed. It all looks the same. Because you are. STILL. WAITING.


Here's what I've come to know about the wait, and what I hold to every day, particularly today when it feels like dreams are slipping. Maybe you aren't waiting right now in this moment. I've been there and looooooooved it. It's nice. There's a peaceful stillness in the air. Enjoy it friend, revel in it, because following this season of contentment is waiting. Waiting is waiting for you.


The wait can be isolating. It can be lonely and scary, a time in which you are an easy target for the enemy -- as you are ready to scream to the heavens, feeling you are yelling into vast empty universe. Friends and family may not understand, recognize, or acknowledge the depths of the valleys in the wait.


The wait is dark. You are blind. The end, and much of the path toward the end, is unknown. We forget life moves in seasons, and everyone else seems to have hit their BEST, perfect season their whole entire lives. Jealousy and even envy slip in. You feel isolated and maybe you begin to isolate yourself, not wanting to see how great everyone else has it. A hermit binge-watching Downton Abbey (oh, wait, is that just me???)


The wait is exhausting. You're always ON. Watching. Preparing. Ready to go. For us, with infertility it was the constant hope and defeat cycle that killed me. Maybe I'm pregnant. No I'm not. I just wanted to get off that crazy train, but getting off means no chance of getting pregnant. So we stayed the course and fought the defeat. Month after month. Years blended together. Tiring. Exhausting. I was beat. For us, with adoption, it was the constant paper work. Application. Home study forms. Papers to the notary. Grant applications. Never ending calls about possible placements. Hope soars. Hope is dashed. Over and over and over. Again, wanted to get off the train, or at least pull into a station for a breather!!! But taking a break meant pulling our profile, putting our case on hold, and we might miss our future child, so we stayed the course. Buckled in tight for the ride. We held on tight. Waiting is tiring. It saps your energy. Sometimes all you want to do is bury yourself in the covers and stay until it's over. But life continues so you keep moving. Drained. Sleep deprived. Exhausted. Yeah, I've been there. I'm there right now again. Let's pray for His strength to keep us going. Let's pray for rest. Let's pray for opportunities of spiritual and physical refreshing. And for comfort, for energy -- His supernatural strength to give us a boost to get through our day.
 
The wait can be painful. Dreams dashed, hope deferred, well-meaning comments hitting just where it hurts. Unsolicited advice, platitudes, clichés, well-intended assurances ("I'm sure it will work out.") leaving bitterness, How do you know? Comments dismissing your grief, belittling your longing. Self-esteem and value may waver. Confidence is shattered. Faith falters. Tiny bits of yourself are lost along the way. One day you wake up and wonder who you have become, how did you get here, whose life is this...because it surely can't be yours!


Yes, the wait is isolating, dark, and painful. It's true. Be forewarned. But there is HOPE.


The wait is not a mistake. You are not forgotten. You are not missed or ignored. Yes, you may feel that way. Others may indeed pass you over, you may be forgotten. But God. God sees you, knows you, remembers you, hears you. If He knit you together, formed you in the darkness, knows the number of your days and the hairs on your head -- you are not forgotten dear one. So pray for reminders of His love, and how truly dear you are.


The wait is part of His plan. Our gracious, sovereign Lord and Father is orchestrating something truly incredible. There are many moving parts. Although you may not be able to see beyond yourself in this moment (and sometimes that is okay), there is a bigger picture and plan. God is moving and working. God is present in this season of waiting. This wait, it may be a time of building, tearing down, washing clean, preparing...elsewhere. Pray that He reminds you of His faithfulness in tangible ways while you wait. Pray that your heart is being prepared for HIS plan, rather than your wants/desires/expectations.


The wait is seasonal. It will end. This too shall pass. This wait, this high-alert, anxious anticipation, will end. Just as the time before the wait ended, this too will end. Our good Father holds all seasons in His hands. He's present now in the wait, just as He has already worked out the future. This season may seem unending and eternal. Rest assured, it's not. But remember, dear one, it might not end how you had hoped, so use this waiting season well...


There is purpose in the wait. God is preparing you. This is a season of pause. Use your time in it well. Learn, grow, prepare, thrive, soak it up. In my wait for a child I wasted so much time wishing and hoping instead of preparing. It was only in the last few months that I decided to read parenting books, figure out how we would discipline and teach our children. And good thing, because we did not bring a baby home but a sweet and sassy three year old in the middle of her tantrum phase! How could He be using this waiting time to prepare you? How better could you use your time? What is He teaching you? Maybe it's as simple as spending your wishing moments in prayer and pouring over the Word. Pray for guidance, wisdom, and strength during this wait time. Pray that the Lord would use you, speak through you, bring others along side you to help you and offer support.


There is JOY in the wait. Joy is new every morning. Not just on mornings when we get what we want. Every morning. Even mornings that make for seemingly dark days. God doesn't promise happiness, but lavishes joy. Be still and enjoy the sunrise. Take a walk and sing. Paint. Cut out s paper snowflake in July. Rearrange your furniture. Dance in the driveway. Splurge on a coffee and drink it with the windows rolled down. There is joy. New friends will find their way to you if only you open your eyes and heart. New passions and loves will awaken within you. And you may find, if you are willing to spend this waiting time well, that what you once wanted is no longer your heart's desire...or that He has given it in a different way than you imagine...or has blessed you far greater than you could have imagined. Pray that He brings you joy and you are not too focused on the frustration of wait to see it.


Waiting is for praying. He knows your heart's desire. Be vulnerable with your Heavenly Father. Speak it to Him. Tell Him your longing. Tell Him your fears in not getting what you hope for. Tell Him your frustrations. Pray for comfort and peace. I don't believe in the power of spoken word, in the sense that what you say out loud carries some weight to directly affect the path of your life. Such as, saying "I'll bet I have cancer." means you will indeed get cancer. No, I don't believe that. But I do believe in the power of prayer and that our God is a God who loves deep and wide. Speak your fears and He will calm your heart. Speak your desires and He will realign your priorities, tell you NO, YES, or wait. Your prayers may not *poof* magically make anything happen, but you'll be surprised how easy it gets to talk with Him and how He speaks to your heart. And your heart is the thing that matters here.


If you are waiting, let me pray for you right now. Father God, we wait. We know You are so good. Your plan is good. We trust and believe in this, and if we waver speak Your love to our hearts and in our ears. You have created Heaven and Earth with a simple word. You have written the story of Your love for us throughout history, through Your Word. You have brought us to this very moment. Lord, we don't know why we wait. We can't see the end but we trust you are already there. You hold our future in Your hands, and Your plans for us are good. Give us strength in the wait, peace and courage. Lord, give us comfort and calm our fears. Speak to us, use others to give comfort and speak your truth. Help us to use this time of waiting well.  Surround us with your love, and a village who loves you, as this can be an isolating time.  Open our eyes and ears to old and new friends, to ways to help others who also wait, to the joy you have for us as we wait patiently for your plan to unfold in your time. Help us to recognize ways we need to adjust our expectations and priorities. Make us brave. Father God, you love us so well. Help us to not let our waiting and deferred hope block our vision of how truly amazing your love for us is. Help us to speak love, give grace, be generous and kind in our waiting and frustration. Thank You for the wait. Thank You for working in the wait. We know You are preparing something good for us, and though we know we might never see our dreams come to fruition in our life time, You are always good and have already won the victory. We are finite. Thank you for being infinite. You can do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine and we trust you in this. We ask all these things in Jesus' name.


I am also reminded again and again that while our wait is life changing, for others their wait is literally LIFE GIVING. Waiting for a heart, or other organ, blood transfusion, a cure. If this is you, waiting for something life giving...I'm praying for you as I write this. I'm thinking about you. I see you. And our awesome, great Father in Heaven sees you too.


So as much as I loathe this wait, I recognize how truly blessed we are that this is our wait. Blessed that our boy really is out there, real, and waiting for us right now. And I am certain that, for whatever reason, there is purpose in this wait too. Maybe we'll never know and I'll have words with Jesus later, but I am confident there is a purpose behind this. Lord, give me peace and patience. Bring me joy and hope in my darkest moments. Thank you for the wait, and what it means to me. Amen.