Tiny Tribe of Five

I've had months to write the story of our newest family member and still here I am writing after finalization. Maybe because there were parts of me that couldn't believe it was true; refused to concede to the comfort that this is real and not a dream. Maybe because the whirlwind of it all made me stop and be present, not think about what to write or what others might like to read – but to take in every moment of this beautiful gift we'd been given. Maybe because two two and under plus a six year old is...exhausting. Wonderfully, amazingly, delightfully, truly exhausting. And maybe because it is rather like a dream that I often find difficult to believe myself.

I've discovered that when I say “it feels like a dream” I'm really speaking into the glory of God and His sovereign plan. It feels like a dream because in my finite human mind I never could have guessed this life was ahead for us. But He knew. He's been here and seen it all from the beginning. It's hard for me to believe that He could make beautiful from ashes, bring life into a barren land, but He did and it brings me to my knees to think of His faithfulness and love.

LET'S REWIND

On March 25, 2016 we welcomed home a bubbly 13 month-old baby boy named Bear. And seven months later we finalized his adoption on October 25, 2016. And although we were mainly focused on settling in with Bear and adjusting/attaching/bonding and generally getting used to being a family of four, God had some surprises in store for us!

On May 10, 2016, only six weeks after Bear came home, I got a message from a long time friend from college. It read something like this…

Her: “I know you are just settling in and it is probably far from your mind and timing, but I work with a little boy in respite care and his worker is looking for permanent placement. Might you be interested?”

Me: “BUUUHHHH?!!”

Excited, interested, overwhelmed, in complete disbelief – This could happen?! This would never happen!

Of course we were interested. We had decided at the very beginning we would always say “Yes” until God said “No.” So I immediately got in touch with his worker at which time it was decided that the timing just wouldn't work. We were still months from finalizing Bear's adoption and this little boy needed a family now. I told his worker not to wait for us, find him a family, and we will be praying for him. We kept in touch throughout the summer until a family was found. God had closed the door, said no, and we trusted in His plan. It still felt like, in some ways, we had lost a member of our family, but I knew that God's plan was best. So we mourned the loss of the possibilities, and moved forward – looking excitedly toward finalizing Bear's adoption.

I did secretly dream about the possibility of having two boys only months apart. Like twins. We had always wanted twins. They would be best friends, my life would be crazy, our family would be full, and loud and perfect. I kept it to myself mostly because – a family was found...and our family was complete with Bear at the time, I wanted to focus on him and our new life together.

As Bear's waiting period was winding down and his finalization was approaching Jason and I decided to update our home study as soon as possible so we would be ready and available for any child that might need a family. So I got the home study paper work a couple weeks before the finalization hearing to get started on the basic forms.

We finalized Bear's adoption on October 25, which was wonderful! Huge emotions, huge relief.

THE. NEXT. DAY.

October 26, (I mean, seriously, the very next day) I got an email from Anita, our case manager at Legacy of Adoption, a forwarded email from the little boy's worker…

“The placement fell through, is your family still interested?!”

I remember reading the email over and over on the couch. Jason and the kids were playing in front of me in the living room. Finally I fully grasped the meaning of the words and what was actually happening.

“Jason, you're never going to guess what Anita just sent me.”

“Ha, the little boy's worker is wondering if we are still interested?” as he continued to chuckle to himself.”

“Yes."

“What?! Yes! Yes, we are interested!”

Thus began the flurry of paper work, emails, phone calls…

After what seemed like an eternity we finally got to meet our sweet Jase at a doctor's appointment in Fargo, ND. Even though it was a medical appointment and impersonal, not at all the intimate setting one imagines seeing their child for the first time it was perfect. Yet, also exactly, the same setting most parents meet their children- a hospital with doctors and nurses and all the things while you try to take in and store for eternity every moment and every breath.

It's difficult for me to describe the first time I met our children. Each time, much like every birth, I assume, is so different. But what's so very hard for me is the tug of war between being completely, honestly, and deeply in these precious first moments while at the same time holding back and distancing myself out of respect for the foster family, who loves and protects this child as their own, and our new child who has absolutely no idea who I am. I'm a bumbling mess and I always leave hoping the foster family hasnt changed their mind about me. Was I too friendly? Too distant? Too quiet? Did I talk too much? Did I say the right things? Do they know I love this baby with my whole heart already? Can they tell? Do they know I will do anything for this baby, even if it means its best we part ways? Do they know it will break me, but I'd do it anyway, for him?

By the end of the day of appointments I was holding this little amazing boy in my arms. When we were saying goodbye he didn't me to let him go. And in that moment, my heart soared. It was going to be okay. Whatever happened during that day, he thought I was pretty great.

A couple weeks later we got to have him over for a weekend visit. It was amazing. Life with three kids, two under two, was crazy and loud and everything wonderful.

February 5, 2017: WELCOME HOME!!

We traveled up to Bemidji, MN in the middle of winter. Jason and I had met, married, and spent our first few years together in Bemidji. Full circle and all that. It was kind of magical. We had also spent time last summer camping in Bemidji not even realizing that our soon-to-be youngest son was living just miles away.

As we drove away as a family of five my heart flooded with memories of those familiar roads. We lived in Bemidji during the darker seasons of our infertility journey. I drove down those back roads alone blaring music trying to drown out my fears, singing, praying, begging, screaming. I've pulled over unable to see the road through hot tears, hopeless and afraid our hands would forever be empty. Driving through town with little fingers wrapped around my fingers, remembering the corner where I first whispered “infertility” to myself, our old apartment where I threw countless wasted pregnancy tests into the trash, the place where I was told maybe I can't get pregnant because God doesn't think I would be a good mom, the dead end where I screamed until I had no voice – I was undone. Overcome with gratitude. As I walked through those days in despair, God knew I would return to bring my baby home. God knew there would be a boy born 10 years later and he would be ours. Why did I ever doubt?

I don't know why certain circumstances happened while led our boy to be placed in foster care. I don't know why his other permanency placement fell through. I don't know. But I do know that in this fallen world I am so happy that God is faithful to redeem, shower grace, and has won the victory through Jesus. I don't know why these things happened, but I'm thankful God worked His plan for our lives together in such a way that our life met Jase's just at the perfect moment to merge.

God is good. And His plan is good. And yes, He does have a plan. If you hang on long enough and let Him lead the way, you'll love it. I promise. It will be far different than what you may have chosen, or what you thought was good, but it is perfect, it's yours and it is good.

There are really no words to describe this last year, these last few months. And really, I think you can understand. Literally the day after we finalized with Bear, we get told about our next child? Only God can write that story, and so unexpectedly perfect.

Jase's adjustment has been fairly smooth. He fit in just perfectly with Bear and Arianna. After a few weeks his separation anxiety settled down and he started to get more comfortable at home, his home. Bear and Jase are now behaving like true brothers – fighting and teaming up against us all in their mischievous ways. Arianna is a wonderful helper, and loves her brothers through and through. Life is loud and messy and wild with this tiny tribe, and we love it.

Thank you for all your support, encouragement, love and prayers. We are so thankful to be surrounded by such a wonderful community and village.