She's... || h o m e ||

Let me just say it again...

she is... H O M E

This week has been the most surprising and amazing of my life. We have seen God move and work in so many wonderful ways, tangible and clear. We have seen answer to prayer in ways that I was not even thinking to pray. And I have been taught a serious lesson on faithfulness and His power.

The good man and I just returned from a visit with our little one and a court hearing. This was our fourth trip A few days prior to our visit I got the sudden urge to purchase a car seat. { n e s t i n g ? } We had always borrowed one from DHS before which was fine, but they were old and dirty. And I wanted something nice and clean and new. And I wanted her  to feel like she belonged in our car. So I approached my wonderful husband who said, "I've been thinking the same thing." And that afternoon we picked out a car seat. An extremely terrifying decision. When you enter the world of adoption, there are several rules  of adoption that others who have gone before will tell you. And I appreciate their wisdom. Rules like scan and make copies of every form before and after you fill it out, keep your story close as this is a roller coaster and it is awful to have to tell every person  disappointing news when you yourself are disappointed and brokenhearted. And the one rule that seemed to be standard, at least in our adoption community -- never buy a car seat until you are headed home with your child; there is nothing more depressing that going home with an empty car seat. And for whatever reason we broke that rule. We were scared it would be a sad trip back but we were also confident that eventually she would be coming home with us.

.     .     .

The good man and I headed down for a visit with our little one last weekend. We would have her again for two overnights then drop her off and the next morning go to court. We did our usual traveling - rented a car (because, although our cars are in good shape, they are not fit to travel 2000 miles in 3 days), grabbed our snacks, and hit the road right when the good man returned from work. We slept for a few hours at the Oklahoma Welcome Center, and drive into our little one's hometown.

And just like last time, she was smiling and reaching for us before she was out of the car! She ran up to me and gave me a hug. I scooped her up and kissed her on the cheek. The good man buckled her in her new car seat and to the park we went.

We enjoyed an awesome weekend with our favorite girl. We checked out some parks, went to the zoo, rode on go-carts, went swimming in the hotel pool, and just plain hung out together as a family in our hotel room will all her toys. She painted our nails, yes, OUR nails; did my hair, jumped on the bed, tickled the good man, and bossed us around like usual. It was a great weekend and we were so grateful to have had that time with her again. She looks so much bigger every time we see her. And it breaks my heart to miss a single day, a month is just unreal. It felt right and complete. We both felt we could have left that hotel and went home immediately without skipping a beat.

On Sunday evening we dropped her off with her foster family and prepared ourselves for court in the morning. God's hand has been in every inch of this long, hard journey -- right from the beginning and into the last court hearing. I haven't written about the last hearing. It was such a defeating whirlwind. Let me just tell you this: we were told it would be simple and we would begin the adoption process that day. We were told that the judge could not NOT rule in our favor. And when we left the court room we, along with every social worker, were stunned and scrabbling.

The judge ordered us to mediation that afternoon. No decision was made. The stay (which was a court order requiring to remain in her current foster home) was not lifted. Every ounce of energy in my body was spent keeping my legs from falling out beneath me. Another 30 days, at least. And a required sit down with the foster family. We had checked out of our hotel room and had 5 horrendous hours of waiting to endure. Alone. We walked like zombies through the mall. We prayed together on one of the couches. And I remember distinctly knowing that that was the worst I have ever felt. Completely helpless. It was awful. The mediation with the family was hard but we were confident with what we had said and how we had reacted. At the end we picked the next court date. And to show us he was still in control, even when other people might think they are getting a leg up, God stepped in and showed up right in front of us. There were two possible court dates and the foster family was insistent that we go with the later one, allowing our girl more time in their home. And that was the date the court went with. When we walked to the car I smiled and nudged the good man -- we would have her for Father's Day weekend. We would also have her the weekend of my huge family's gigantic family reunion and thus began plans to fill the court room with family. Even when the foster family thought they had a small win and it seemed that they did, God reassured us that He was still working in this all the way.

Okay, back to last weekend:
 After we dropped off Baby Girl we drove to visit with my family. My mom, sister, brother-in-law, and aunties were there to encourage and support us. Until now I have chosen not to mention that our girl is a distant family member. It was important to me to keep her story and her birth mom's story private. And it still is. I know I can mention this and still keep the details as private as everyone needs. But it is also important for me that you see why we are so passionate about this girl. If she were any other girl in foster care legal free and clear for adoption, we would have stepped back and let the foster family proceed with adoption. But she is our family. And it is so important to keep our family together. And even if she was not family and needed a home we still would have climbed mountains and swam oceans for her. So there we were surrounded by family ready to fight for this little one. We prayed together and made our way back to the hotel.

The good man and I had a great conversation on the way back. We talked about peace and how both of us felt peaceful about this no matter what happens. It would be awful to never see her again. But we trust so completely the plan of God that even in our perceived worst-case-scenario God is working and does have something great around the corner. And we talked about how hard it was to talk with people who said things like, "I just know you are bringing her home this trip." We desperately wanted to believe that. We do. But we also have to live with the empty room, the empty car seat, the quiet toys. We have to get back to Life Without Her and to get our hopes up so high like before…we were guarded for self-preservation reasons. We were guarded but peaceful, trusting God and choosing to be content in all circumstances. And even with all that tough talk, my stomach fluttered and my heart beat out of my chest. Every breath held a prayer -- God…God, please…Jesus, help me…give me strength…

We met early with our lawyer and it left me both very confident and scared out of my mind. I went to the restroom and just bawled. God, DO something. I trust you. I trust you. But please, DO SOMETHING.

We walked into the court house lobby and were instantly surrounded by family and friends. My aunts Jennifer, Lela, Teddie and my uncle Davis, with my cousin Rae, and our friend Stephanie who has become a member of our little family. All come to show support and love. We met with our lawyer, the tribe, the social workers. I am so glad GLAD that we invited family to come. I can't imagine walking through this alone again. They offered kind words, we laughed together to cut through the tension, we shared stories, and just stood in silence together. We were supported. Bean was there. And I remember she put her hand on my back, I leaned into her, and in that moment I felt like we could do this, like she somehow spoke  strength into my heart. I love my sister. My mom shared a verse about God holding the hearts of kings and judges.

The king's heart is like a stream of water directed by the LORD; 

he guides it wherever he pleases. 

Proverbs 21:1

And we all breathed that prayer together as the minutes ticked away.

We entered the court room and all the family and friends entered too. The judge asked them to leave, which we knew would happen, but it was good that he saw a small portion of the immense family this little girl does have waiting for her. The court room emptied and we approached the bench. Time stood still. I distinctly remember a few things. I remember my knees shaking and my chin starting to quiver, slipping my hand into the good man's and it anchored me. I remember praying -- crying out with my whole being -- for the judge. This man was hard last time. This man seemed uninterested in  making any type of decision. This man was flippant. And I was so frustrated. So I prayed. All my cells prayed. I also remember when it set in --that we weren't going to bring our girl home ever. The tribe was speaking and not saying what the judge needed to hear and I wanted to sink to the floor. And I nodded to myself. Okay, God. We can do this if this is what you have for us. And I flipped through moments in the future without her. It would be gut-wrenching, but we would survive. And then I remember the most amazing and miraculous words I have ever heard, "I am leaning toward family placement…" And I looked up, blinked through tears, and nodded again. My soul was soaring! Just a few more moments of talking and things to go over and he decided to lift the stay (!!!), and left the timeline of placement with us up to DHS. In that moment I heard rustling of papers behind me, a woman whispered to our lawyer, who whispered to me: "They want to place today." O, God! What have you done? How did this happen? God, thank you!

All I can say about that change in his heart, the obvious softening of his demeanor, it was a miracle. It was God. And He worked visibly right before our very eyes. It brings me to tears everything i think about it. How God swooped in and worked and we saw and felt it. That He controls the seas and the skies and saw this little girl and worked in her life too.  

We walked out of the court room and I turned back to the judge, made eye contact and said, "Thank you."I nearly lost it there. And I knew if I full on cried there was no stopping it. We entered the lobby and our family was waiting to cheer. I wanted to cheer, with all my heart, but out of respect for the foster family I held back and asked our family to do so too. Some of them…tried to hold back. But we did give tons of hugs and smiles and breath deep sighs of relief!!

After a few minutes we met with all of the social workers and the foster family. We made arrangements to pick her up that evening with all of her things that very evening! And we scheduled FaceTime meetings so that she knows they did not leave her, they still love her, and to help with the transition. The foster family also amazed me. God had been working in their hearts too. They were hard and ready to fight this out for years if need be. And this day they said they were not going to fight. That it would be better for her to make a smooth transition and not go back and forth. I have to agree. I am thankful for their changed heart,  for their sacrifice. I am thankful for everything that they have done for her in their home. And I continue to pray for them as they grieve the loss of this amazing, beautiful girl in their home.

It was and is all surreal. We went out to lunch with our family and friends, which ended up being free because they messed up our orders! And we spent the rest of the day with Bean and her husband and our cousins. And after a mad dash to the store to pick up all the essentials for a long trip home, we picked up our little girl.

We picked up our little girl. To bring her home. Finally.

After two long years of wondering and waiting, we were headed north with Baby Girl talking up a storm in the back. In the new car seat we bought out of heart's desire. She kept asking about the hotel and I told her we were going on an adventure!

"Go'non an-venture"

And that's exactly what this is. A beautiful adventure together. 

I'm typing this right now while watching our little one sleep. She woke up and asked me to sit next to her bed. I asked if I could type and she smiled. This may be the only way I get any writing done! She's been in our home for a week and it seriously took THAT LONG to write this.

The Lord is faithful and good. His love never fails. He has given us more than we asked and had thought possible.

And thank you everyone for all your prayers -- they were answered! For all your encouragement and support. Thank you for all your help throughout this entire process and journey. We seriously could not be here without you.And we cannot wait until we can have a huge party together after this is all final.

We still may have to return to Oklahoma in July and September, but we're praying that we won't have to. It was a long trip for her and us, once. I can't imagine doing it again four more times. We are adjusting to our new roles and this new life well, as is she. She continues to surprise and delight every day. I'll have more updates about that soon. They might be long...because I am intrigued by every little thing.