Adoption and Infertility: Not the Last Option

We're sitting in the overcrowded coffee shop, huddled together in the corner, moving our overstuffed chairs together so we can hear. She's leaning over her hot cup of chocolaty coffee goodness and we have passed with ease into the serious meat of conversation: marriage, family, children, faith...infertility. And she asks, "Have you ever thought about adoption?" And I know this is one of those moments. Careful words can change a life. I lean in close, "Yes, but...have you? Because adoption is not just for infertiles like me."

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If you know anything about me, you will know that the Good Man and I have been trying and waiting and longing for children just as long as we have been married. And if you don't know much about me, you'll figure out rather quickly that I am not too shy about those pages in our story.

But what many people have not been made aware of, until recently, is our strong desire to adopt. It has been carried with us all along, an undercurrent, known and felt but rarely seen. Unlike the crashing waves and whitecaps of infertility. And although it seems that this "adoption thing" is a new idea or a new pursuit, we have been planning and preparing from the start.

What is new and surprising for us is the idea that adoption may be our only road to growing a family. This doesn't scare us, not much now anyway. Much like driving with your googled directions and coming across a detour sign. You are surprised and a little taken aback, but adjust accordingly and continue the journey. And maybe see a little something special that you wouldn't have had detour been avoided -- a random act of kindness, a perfect climbing tree, the most beautiful sunset you've ever laid eyes on.

And what is also surprising to me is the response I have gotten from several people in various places and walks of life when announcing our plans to adopt. Most are excited and know the long road we've traveled. Many are concerned, and rightly so, about the stress of the process and possible let downs we might face. And some...

It is the some that I find myself thinking about most often. Those few who, for whatever reason, have it in their mind that adoption is our last ditch effort, the end of the line, the way in which we settle, plan z, the forced choice after exhausting all other options. That adoption is an almost undesirable fate in life. If I do nothing else throughout this whole pursuit of adoption, including never growing our family, I hope to change perspectives about adoption and inspire others to consider if adoption is for them as well.

.     .     .     .     .

"we're  A D O P T I N G !"

"How many rounds of treatment have you gone through then? You must have tried everything..."

"That's great. You know, my best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl whose mom adopted and got pregnant right way. So you never know..." (Hope you 80s kids enjoyed my adapted version of Simone's quote from Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

And there have been others. But these are the most common, I guess. I've been working hard to not be surprised and choose wise words that might ignite change.

The problem with the first is that it assumes we had to have exhausted all medical treatments in order to arrive at the detour dubbed "not our kids." It's the only conclusion, because, "why on earth would someone choose that?" Long ago the Good Man and I had The Conversation. We sat down and the heaviness of the next few moments and words loomed above us. I think all couples need to have The Conversation. But for the most part only the barren slip into the rest stops named "Questions You Never Want To Have To Answer." We drew lines in the sand. We would go this far, no further, in our pursuit of children of our own. Not even when it was free or welcomed or encouraged. We had our reasons, and I can tell you if you wish. We made lines. And we decided definitively that adoption would be part of our story. We haven't bumped up against those lines yet. Adoption is not our last ditch effort. The timing seems perfect now and we can see God moving in it so we are moving forward with Him. Yes, Lord. And obey.

My response: No we haven't tried everything under the sun. There are several medieval and ancient eastern treatments we haven't tried. But we're opting out of those. We haven't gone as far as we could or spent as much as we could. But this is the journey we are choosing and I am so very grateful to be here.

The second, Oh! The second! Sadly, it assumes that adoption could be a means to an end. You "give up" and settle for someone else's kids then surprise you get to have your "real" children! Yes, it happens. It happened to a friend of mine. She is That One. But it happens very rarely. And no one should go into the adoption process thinking that it will get them biological children. Every child is special. Every child is valued. And in our family, every child will be loved and treated the same. I stopped myself there. I was going to write "will be treated as if they were our own." But that's not true. No, they are our own, no matter where they are from. Our children are our children. They might take different roads to get to our arms but they have been in our hearts all along.

My response: Yes, that happens. But I'm not even thinking about that. I'm just going to be glad to have our babies home, wherever they come from.


THOUGH INFERTILITY AND ADOPTION DO FREQUENTLY BUMP TOGETHER, MIX AND MINGLE, EACH IS ITS OWN AMAZING JOURNEY -- BOTH FILLED WITH DEEP VALLEYS AND SOARING PEAKS. 

ADOPTION IS NOT AN ANSWER TO INFERTILITY. BUT IT CAN BE, FOR THOSE WHO ARE CALLED.  


And the third. Not so much a response to our adoption announcement, but an honest question while struggling with infertility:

"Have you ever thought about adoption?"

And this is my question for you. Have Y O U ever thought about adoption? Because it is not just an option for infertiles. It is a choice that deserves consideration by every one of us. The question is not "Could you take in a child that is not your own?" The question is this: "Are you willing to love and care for the fatherless, the orphan, the oppressed, the weary, and the unloved?"

Actually adopting a child may not be an option for you right now. But mentoring could be, volunteering, helping a family raise money for an adoption, donating to an adoption organization, praying for children needing a home, helping out a single mother, walking with a pregnant young woman who has chosen to give her child in adoption.

Not all people who ask this question carry with them the perspective that adoption is mainly for people who cannot have children of their own, but many do. And my hope is that if you are one of the few, you will make time to rethink your ideas about adoption. That you might be encouraged to wonder if adoption might be part of your story too.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: 

to look after orphans and widows in their distress 

James 1:27