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In Between
GO
How surreal and very
real, I'm floating through the steps yet feeling the hefty weight of every
single one. And I can't quite get a grip, put a name, or call it out right.
What is this place, this feeling, this stage…whatever this is anyway?
I lay awake at
night. Straight up and wide and I can't catch my breath. I think about them,
long and late, and wonder about the roads their little feet walk, the sounds
that echo in their little ears, the things their little spying eyes do see, and
the way they are rocked and hugged and tickled…or not. I'm electric. Worry
running clean through my every vein. Where are
my babies?!
The crazy and
amazing and heartbreaking thing about adopting waiting children is knowing that
at this very moment, while I write in the dark living room and loved ones sleep
and dream, our babies could be walking and talking in this world…at this
moment. And fierce love overwhelms. I am
surprised -- how strong, how fast, how sobering.
Not yet a mother.
A mother, yet not.
mother.
Is that what this
is? This sleepless night, this worrying, this longing to find and comfort.
Desire to fix and protect and help and hold?
And I wait. Every
cell in my being is screaming. Where are my
babies?! I am left to worry and trust. And this
is the single hardest battle of my life. Because I know that what is happening
to them now is bringing them to me later. And that happening shatters my heart
into a million pieces and I fight to take a breath and force myself to wait. To
trust.
A childless mother
in waiting. In between two very different worlds and held together with the
glue that is trust, hope and peace.
Because God will
move mountains. He will protect and He will hold. I repeat this over and over,
a prayer in every breath. He will move mountains.
"Test me in
this," he calls...
Beautiful post. I will be in prayer for you and your husband as you wait out the adoption process. visiting from five min friday
ReplyDeleteSuch a sweet sharing of your heart. There is heartbreak in the waiting, and at the same time, an assurance of a mighty God at work. Blessings to you.
ReplyDeleteI love the phrase "held together with the glue that is trust, hope, and peace." Praying your in between time is brief. :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, heart words. blessings and prayers to you both as you travel this between
ReplyDeleteA sweet reminder of some of us who have been in between. I love your desire of becoming a mommy, Remember God will give you the desire your heart yearns for..:-) He knows. :-)
ReplyDeleteThat is definitely an in between. But be patient my friend. You babies will be worth the weight. They will be awesome and wonderful and amazing. I should know. I'm adopted and I ROCK! Hee hee! Thanks for sharing your heart today with us.
ReplyDeleteOh, this is so beautiful! Prayers to you on your journey of adoption. We too are waiting for our baby even though the circumstances aren't the same. Love to you all. <3
ReplyDeleteWow. So hard, yet so hopeful. You should read this Five-Minute Friday post by a fellow adoption waiter:
ReplyDeletehttp://intruthandgrace.wordpress.com/2013/06/28/five-minute-friday-in-between/
Blessings to you, and may He continue to hold you in the in between ...
What a roller coaster in between you are living. The love that you already feel for those babies you yet to hold feels so strong in your words. I pray for you as you wait. Thank you for sharing your heart.
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